the gap

We recently finished what is considered to be the most difficult five-week block in the nursing program. During that block, in a two week-period, we had 48 clinical hours + prep work, a several projects due, and multiple exams (like… 5 or 6 at least) in some very difficult classes (pathophysiology, pharmacology, health assessment, med/surg….). I think everyone in my cohort would agree with me… THIS is what they meant when they told us this was an accelerated nursing program.

So, I figured I would recover after a relaxing weekend and bounce back as a full-force-super-stellar-outta-the-park-killin’-it nursing student.

Only… I definitely haven’t felt that way.

I’m not super stressed, it’s not really style to get worked up about school, but I just don’t feel like I’m excelling. Don’t get me wrong – I’m doing well. My grades are fine. But I just want to be very, very good at this whole nursing thing. And right now, I’m not. For example, a few weeks ago we practiced putting IVs in manikins. I was able to do it, but honestly, it wasn’t pretty. I had to practice many times to get the hang of it, and even still I have to think hard it. I don’t feel like I’m good at it yet. And that is very frustrating. Because I want to be very good at it.  My heart seriously drops at the thought of causing a patient unnecessary discomfort because of something as simple as starting an IV.

Again, I would say that many in my nursing cohort have been feeling similarly. We study hours upon hours for exams (of which we’ve had at least one or two a week for last five weeks or so), only to get a good but not excellent grade. We practice over and over memorizing medication names and indications and side effects and interactions only to draw a blank when the instructor asks us a question. We are all working overtime to try excel. We want to be good at this. What gives?

Over the weekend I came across this video with an audio clip of Ira Glass about being a beginner. He is addressing storytellers (he certainly is an excellent storyteller), but I think the ideas definitely apply to nursing.  It feels like I am in “the gap”… and perhaps it will take a bit of time and a lot of energy, but I just have to believe that all this work that I’m pouring out will, in the end, result in an ability to provide excellent patient care.

“It takes a while. It’s going to take you a while. It’s normal to take a while. And you are going just have to fight your way through that, okay?”